Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.