*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
This is my bus stop.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.