Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab