*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
You Might Also Like
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.