Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE