@badbanana

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

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@PyrBliss

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@cat_fvr

*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*

@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

@leyawn

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

@rachelichtman

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

@ninjadinosaur1

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@gintastic_

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?