Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
two people or more is called a problem
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well