@SvnSxty

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

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@Discourt

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

@KeetPotato

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

@kieransofar

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

@clichedout

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

@Bob_Janke

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

@RocketRankoon

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

@MadHatterMommy

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

@SoVeryBritish

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

@lynyrdsbackyard

I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.

@gitson_shiggles

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead