*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
You can’t rush stupid.
Cat.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.