*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.


me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”


interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok


ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers


An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour


Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass


I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.


I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead