*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
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dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?