Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
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Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.