Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Ah..makes sense now
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE