Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
You Might Also Like
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.