papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with āba dum tssā.
Tough love is true love
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
āAnd now we wait.ā āme when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading techniqueā¦
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I got told once that āI donāt drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.ā Then I pulled up the company manual saying āNo drinking at company events.ā
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” š
My boomer father in law couldnāt get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protectorā¦that was plugged into itself.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
No, Iām not a āTrekkieā…
Iāve never even seen Star Wars.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the āMAP flagā was charged in court as a pedophile
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
5: Iāve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: thatās the one you already had on
5: oh
– āIt Wasnāt Meā plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Bike is short for Bichael.