“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Vodka burrito was a success
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.