*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
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I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Good point.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?