[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
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*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
The cashier just checked me out.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit