Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.