I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
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I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Take a deep breath.
– Respirational Tweet
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?