@LackOfShame I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
@JCWisdomNuggets “Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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@LackOfShame 
@mikeyspiritDC I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
@UncleDuke1969 Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
@Humor_Fetish I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
@ddsmidt My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
@daemonic3 [at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
@JoParkerBear [USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
@Branka_R My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
@leviaIIen my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
@ArfMeasures SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?