@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

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@LackOfShame

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

@mikeyspiritDC

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

@ddsmidt

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

@daemonic3

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

@JoParkerBear

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

@Branka_R

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

@leviaIIen

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?