Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Gre_Gone

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@CarolinaSong

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

@FuckTyping

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

@MrLovenstein

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

@sploosk

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@SvnSxty

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

@CrapLocalNews

Breaking news:

@Rollmaninoz

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok