“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I feel attacked.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.