@sageboggs

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

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@MelvinofYork

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

@Dawn_M_

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

@thedad

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

@ChefRonSullivan

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

@causticbob

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

@a_simpl_man

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

@usedwigs

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

@robdelaney

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.