“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
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I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.