[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
the clam before the storm
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
lumberjacks will cut a birch
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok