Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”