Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money