Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
You Might Also Like
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?