Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave