[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.