paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Found the job I’m suited for
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.