Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
wow he looks just like him
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Any refunds available?…
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’