paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
You Might Also Like
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker