Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )