@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

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@FredTaming

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

@Wuttercuerk

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

@KeetPotato

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@MaraWilson

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@Marlebean

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

@mommajessiec

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.