Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Banderslack Clamberdorch
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done