[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts