*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
You Might Also Like
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.