[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.