“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
You Might Also Like
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.