Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
You Might Also Like
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.