Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

i think we should see other cousins