Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Thanks to a fan for this one!

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Me redecorating every room in my mind

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”