Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
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Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.