Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You Might Also Like
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
i did the math
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare