Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
A haunted house but it鈥檚 just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
M: that鈥檚
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 馃檪
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Me: I鈥檓 gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I鈥檓 gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you鈥檙e snowed in.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.