[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
me and the Superbowl rn
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Stop making fast and furious movies.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?