[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
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[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?