[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me as a therapist: omg same
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.