[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
not seeing the problem
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
😏😏😏
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.