[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.