Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor