Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5