Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]