Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by