Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
You Might Also Like
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.