Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that