#parenting
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“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.