Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
How funny!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
You have been warned.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire