Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
This kid is a star!
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here